I’m in the midst of learning so many lessons. Like trusting someone that was NEVER trustworthy in the first place. Breaking hurts. Molding is difficult. Yet, I will see the end and be strong.
“Experience; that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”
C.S. Lewis
I can’t sleep. I’ve tried, yet the hours of tonight just won’t allow my heart to rest, as it should. I can’t keep myself from thinking of my last day here, the day that will soon come, so much quicker than I realize at times. Yet, at other times, the realization of my fleeting time, rushes at me at full speed and I hardly have enough time to catch my breath as another day quickly blurs into the next. Time has become just a thing that comes and goes, all too quickly.
I dwell upon that day. When all my lose ends have been tied. I will have bawled my eyes out the day before with all of my goodbyes, to the people that have made such a distinct impact upon my life in the last three years. All of the music, the moments of leaving our tracks in the sound. All of the hours of adventure in the city, upon the shores of the ocean, and even just at our own back porches late into the night. All of the kisses to all of the heartbreak. All of the endeavors to all of the moments I wished I would have never endured upon. 3 years. 2 heartbreaks later. A college degree. A couple more guitars. A newly pressed record that I actually like. And the unknown at my fingertips.
Throughout my journey of living in Washington, I have grown up. I think I’ve been in love once, actually really, truly in love. Or what I believe is close to that. I’ve also said those three words to someone that never deserved to hear them in the first place. I’ve also been infatuated and retarded. I’ve come to realize how I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve come to know earth shattering heartbreak-the kind where the entire rest of your future seems altered in one moment of realization, the minute when you realize that a summer has finally come to an end and you holding on will only hurt more in the long run. I’ve known what it is to have all of my hopes and dreams one day, then wake up 8 months later to have all of it slip through my fingertips- solely based upon my own stupidity. I have known the noise of the city to the sound of the strength of the ocean; the smell of the rain, the warmth of the Oregon sun. I’ve known what it is to feel truly alive, to wake up with the whole world at your fingertips, the most amazing friends in the world, and not enough nights spent watching the sunset. I have gained so much experience and lost just about everything I thought I possessed in the first place. I have been humbled. I have been broken. I have been lost, then I have been found. I have become more of the woman that I have been made to be.
I will never been the same.
This day will begin with all of my belongings and memories packed into the moving truck, rising early to beat the sun, locking my door, and slowly backing out of my gravel driveway for the last time while Ryan Adams plays on the Ipod. I’ll drive down Ocean Beach Highway, get gas at the Chevron on the corner that I have seen all too much in the past few years, and then arrive at the Starbucks parking lot. My heart will be flooded with so many memories held at this coffeehouse as I walk slowly through the doors. I’ll order my usual and make small talk with the baristas that have all come to know my name and feed my caffeine addiction a couple times a day. And then I will leave, like any other day. But this time I will get in my neon and not return like usual. I will drive. And drive and drive and drive. Out into the abyss of my life that is still so unknown, into an existence I haven’t quite yet grasped, and away from the past few years of my life.
Tonight, this day terrifies me.
But, I will drive, and drive, and drive…..
This was by far the raddest bathroom ever.
As cliche as this shot is, I don’t even care. It was amazing. 
We finished the last tracks on my record yesterday. I feel a certain sense of overwhelming relief that we are on schedule, but also a certain sadness due to the fact that the recording process is finished. It’s in the moments of slowly piecing together each song that keeps me feeling alive. Now it’s done. Now the process will continue as it is mixed, the artwork is completed, and I send it off to be pressed. Time is flying by quicker than I think I realize.
I graduate from college in a little less than 50 days. Oh my goodness. Breathe.
But, there are some amazing things on the forefront of my seemingly unknown life after college. Some opportunities are slowly presenting themselves, which keeps me realizing that all has not been lost and that I am still a part of a cause that is so much bigger than myself. I need to have that realization everyday. I must have faith for what God has for me in these next few months, even though it is all so unknown.
Change is inevitable.
Some photos from yesterday…..
This is why I keep doing what I love.
“It matters, art does. It’s one of the noblest things, because it can make us better, and one of the scariest things, because it comes from such a deep place inside of us. There’s nothing scarier than the moment when you sing the song for the very first time, for your roommate or you wife, or when you let someone see the painting, and there are a few very long silent moments when they haven’t yet said what they think of it, and in those few moments, time stops and you quit painting, you quit singing forever, in you head, because it’s so fearful and vulnerable, and then someone says, essentially , thank you and keep going, and you breath releases, and you take back everything you said in your head about never painting again, about never singing again, and at least for a moment, you feel like you did what you came to do, in a cosmic, very big sense.
I know that life is busy and hard, and that there’s crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job and khaki pants and a haircut. But don’t. Please don’t. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader, because of the art you make. Please keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry , that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul. Please keep making art for people like me, people who need the magic and imagination and honesty of great art to make the day-to-day world a little more bearable…..
So to all the secret writers, late night painters, would-be singers, lapsed and scared artists of every stripe, dig out your paintbrush, or your flute, or your dancing shoes. Pull out your camera or your computer or your pottery wheel. Today, tonight, after the kids are in bed or when your homework is done, instead of one more video game or magazine, create something, anything.
Pick up a needle and thread, and stitch together something particular and honest and beautiful, because we need it. I need it.
Thank you, and keep going.”
Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist
You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are- no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink and the best meal you’ll ever eat.
You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘careful’ you find yourselves cared for.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world-you mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
(Matthew 5)
I can’t shake these today.
I feel so close, yet so far.
Yet, I have hope for what is coming.
53 days until all that is unknown finally hits.
The record is SO close to being complete. Just a few more random tracks and some more keyboards. 12 songs. I’m so excited. This week we’re figuring out the final artwork….then off to mixing….then off to pressing. We have actually stayed on schedule for the release and I can’t wait to hear and see the finished project. It feels so amazing to actually have done a project that I feel reflects who I am. Finally.
Today, we recorded a bunch of random percussion.
There’s nothing quite like hitting numerous things to make cool sounds.
I enjoyed it.
I love finding new tunes. This is a current favorite. This guy makes me want to play a lot more piano than I have been lately.
I feel the need to write. Just to write something; if only to attempt to articulate all of things that I am facing everyday, all of things that I’ve been trying to say, think, or do. I must try and put into words all that is hitting me in the everyday. It’s frustrating. My current existence is on a constant roller coaster, every minute different from the next and the one before. Every emotion, thought, goal seems to change as every hour passes by. My time is slowly running out and I don’t have the slightest idea as to how to feel about that. It truly changes just about every single day. I wish I could narrow down the thoughts of my swaying heart into one simple, articulated sentence of certainty as to how the rest of my life is all suppose to carefully fit together. But, I can’t. Nor am I supposed to. I think my biggest fear is making the wrong decision, embarking upon the wrong path, embracing the wrong feelings and aspirations.
I wish my mind had a map to tell my heart where to go.
I wish life after this season in my eyes wasn’t so unknown. So open. So vast.
I wish it all didn’t bug me like it does.
I am constantly faced with a battle between my flesh and my spirit. My own carnality keeps attempting to pull me down. All of my past seems to knock at my door everywhere I turn. Every idiotic decision from last season, to walking away from so many things, to giving my heart to such an undeserving person, to quieting so many parts of my soul.
My spirit must be strengthened. I must wake with the certainty that God is faithful, He always has been, and I need not worry about all of the things that pull me down. I have been hit hard in the past few weeks. My car lights were bashed out of my neon, dealing with more cell phone bills than I ever care to deal with, having my old website disappear in a fleeting moment. All of those material things are miniscule compared to the emotional crap that I have to lay at the feet of Christ every day. It amazes me time and time again, how attached one’s heart can become to all of the things that will eventually destroy it. It is at that point when we have allowed our flesh to overcome our spirit. I won’t stand for it any longer.
Yet, in the midst of all of this chaos, there is certain calm that is continuously over my heart. I have faith that God will be the one to see me through all of this. Even when my heart and mind attempted to walk away from all of things I knew I was called to, He was right there, walking along side me. And I was breaking his heart in the process. Yet, there’s a certain peace that overwhelms me when I realize that I really never was alone, nor will I ever be. That all will be ok. That all is not lost. The I have been called to be a part of story that is so much bigger than myself.
None of this needs to be about myself. I only complicated everything. I desire to have passion breathed back into my life.
Passion always results in action.
I hold tight to that phrase today. Now I just need to constantly make sure that my passion rests upon the right places; that the crevices of my heart are filled with the presence of God and not the desires of this world. It is a constant battle between pleasure and purpose. I KNOW which path my feet should walk upon. Now, I must only deny myself and embark upon the life I know is possible.
Months ago, in a time that seems so much simpler than the current one, I wrote these words. I can’t help but be reminded of them.
I‘d rather fail than live safe.
I’d rather die for a cause than live without one.
I’d rather be broken, than live unbreakable.
One thing I know…
In my brokenness I will be complete.
Before my other site was gone, I had already done this.
But, since this is all about new beginnings, I’m posting this again.
These are the wonderful gentlemen that are making my life such an unexpected adventure.
The Band…..
Josh Anderson: Bass
Kory Randall: Guitars
Dave: The Raddest Old Guy Ever, Drums
Zach Whiton: Guitar, Vox (Live), Guitars, Bass, Vox (Record)
Stephen Tack: Sound, Recording, Splice-King
I truly couldn’t do any of this without them. They are awesome.
|
What I’m Up To…
