Hopefully…..

Patience

I think there comes a point in everyone’s life in which one needs to go back to the very beginning. Back to the beginning, before all of the hurt, the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache; if only to reevaluate the condition of our aching hearts for a cause and life destiny that is so much bigger than our minds could ever comprehend.

At the beginning, all goals and accomplishments are left at the door.
At the beginning, all you have is who you are and the saving grace that has allowed you to live and become that person thus far.
At the beginning, you have nothing to fall back on except for the sovereignty of a Savior.
At the beginning, you find the birthplace of the life you have lived for all of these years.

I am at the very beginning.

Square one.
Without any clue as to where to step next,
Nor whether or not I need to keep looking back as often as I do.

The past is strange thing. It is within the past that all of our current presents are birthed, and it is within the past that the very places and lessons we at times need to forget dwell in the shadows, lurking in the places we thought we abandoned so long ago. It is the starting point for everything, yet also the ending point of the coming fruition of all hurt and pain in order for us to even get into the present and hope for what is to come.

I am home. I’m back to the very soil in which so much of who I am was birthed and molded. I’m back to face all of the moments I brushed aside and all of the whispers of my calling that I somehow walked away from for a season in my life. Being back at the beginning brings about an emotional rollercoaster that I ride day in and day out, all the while trying to figure what I am supposed to do and who I am supposed to become.

I feel like I am so far from knowing who I am.
Or what I need to be doing.
It is as if I am living a newfound chaos, yet at the same time every moment is at a stand still. All the anticipation of my arrival has now come to a strict halt, in which I am bound by my decisions and know that as every minute passes by I am further away from my past, wandering around aimlessly in my present, and praying that I will somehow be able to have enough vision to live into the future.

What do I want? What do I even need at this point?

I need my King. Everyday, every minute.
I desire community.
I desire to possess the insatiable need to create. To live. To dream. To die to my past and to live with faith into my future.

I have no idea where to begin.
The process is as daunting as the hoped-for outcome.

Truthfully.
I am unsettled. I am restless. Yet I am at a stand still in life.
Without any direction as to where to go next.

All that I can hear is….

Wait.

All I know to seek after is….

Patience.

And all that I face is…..

Unknown.

“All things consist of carrying to term and then giving birth. To allow the completion of every impression, every germ of a feeling deep within, in darkness, beyond words, in the realm of instinct unattainable by logic, to await humbly and patiently the hour of the descent of a new clarity: that alone is to live one’s art, in the realm of understanding as in that of creativity.

In this there is no measuring with time. A year doesn’t matter; ten years are nothing. To be an artist means not to compute or count; it means to ripen as the tree, which does not force its sap, but stands unshaken in the storms of spring with no fear that summer might not follow. It will come regardless. But is comes only to those who live as though eternity stretches before them, carefree, silent, and endless. I learn it daily, learn it with many pains, for which I am grateful; Patience is all!”

Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

I MISS THIS ALREADY…

 

 

My last day in Longview. 

For a while. 

Bittersweet…

I am traveling in between two separate worlds, two worlds that hold pieces of my heart, mind, and soul. My body only rests in the in between of my past 3 years and my very beginning, which now is my soon to be my future once again. Every line on the road takes me further away from the northwest. I am a wash of emotions, some of sadness, some of joy, some of wishing I had more time, yet some of knowing I’m listening to the will of God and going where I need to go, at least for this season. Everything within me wants to turn back, to go back to my life in Longview, to the teary-eyed friends I left in the parking lost a short 24 hours ago.
My past two weeks have been a blur, but a good blur, nonetheless. I have lived more in the past week alone then I have in most of my life. Through my record release show, to my last week of college, to graduating, to packing, to endeavoring upon new friendships and continuing to live in the ones that have stood the test of time. I have come to the intense realization that I have some of the most amazing friends in the entire world. I really do. Nothing compares to the people I have lived life with in the past couple of years. We have grown to have amazing relationships with each other, each one being there for the other, through the thick and thin, through the difficult and easy, through the good and the ugly. We have grown, we have fought, we have made up, we have created, we have lived. Leaving last night, driving away back to my hotel, was almost one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. I wanted to stop time in its tracks and just live in that moment forever under the street lights, with the whispers of the early morning at our horizon, and all of the memories we’ve made sitting at the forefront of our existence. But, I had to get into my car, turn the key in the ignition, and drive away.

Today is so bittersweet. For I know I am returning to more amazing people I have left along the way, yet I’m still leaving those I have grown so close to.

And all we do is just keep driving and driving and driving….

(I’ll post photos tomorrow….I’m way behind.)

Empty

With the End of A Season….

I am beginning a new one.

School is over. I can’t believe it. I’m so behind. I have photos to edit backed up still all the way to my show on May 9th….so here’s to a bunch of random posts.

I can’t believe four years has already gone by.

And it hasn’t quite hit me yet that it’s done.

Record Release

A perfect night. Playing music with some of my best friends in the world, for some of my best friends in the world. Selling records, going out to dinner afterwards, saying good bye. 

I couldn’t have asked for a better show. 

It was everything I hoped for and more. 

 

(The Band) 

 

And this is what I have to put up with…..

Silly boys….

Somebody is Engaged…..

One of my best friends in the world is getting hitched to a wonderful gentleman this summer! So happy for these two! Today, they allowed me to do their engagement photos.

Here are a couple favorites…

 

10 days……

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.

~Robert Southey

My Rant

The last time I wrote anything even worth reading, I still had 25 days until my big move. Time is moving so fast. The countdown has now hit12 days and I’m two days away from the biggest show I have played to date. Part of me is freaking out, part of me is ready for it to all be over, and the part that’s left can’t wait to play. I’m ready. My record FINALLY arrived today, after I just spent a good week or so fretting over it’s timely arrival. It’s all coming together and it’s really been a long six months of preparation in the process.

It’s weird to come to the realization of knowing you were made to do something or not made to do something. Music is my muse. Music is a venue that allows me to work through all of things that burn inside of my soul and express that which I cannot always express in the form of a simple sentence or phrase. I had someone ask me the other week why I exhaust myself all of the time and play so many shows or overbook my life in order to play. I’ve spent the last few weeks of my life in Longview playing as much as humanly possible: worship services, band practice, jamming, preparing for shows, songwriting, helping other friends with their shows and recordings, songwriting from 1200 miles away with some of the guys back home…..I didn’t even have to second-guess what my response would be to that question. It’s just what I do. Without it, I would be pretty useless. And incredibly bored and unfulfilled.

There’s just something that happens once I’m playing. Time stops. The world takes a much needed breath and I’m allowed to be myself for a limited period of time. It’s as if everything around me moves into slow motion and I’m left alone with only my instrument and the rhythm of the song. When I play is almost one of the only times in my life in which I feel truly alive, like I have no need to be anywhere else but right in that moment. If it weren’t for God placing that aspect in my life, I truly don’t know what I would do with myself. It’s been all that I have ever known.

Playing shows is a difficult task for me. I want it not to be about my music or me. If I could get people there without promotion, I totally would. But, I want a person to be able to walk into a show, drop their baggage at the door and somehow connect the words and the notes that rests in the air. To discover something about their souls that they didn’t know before or to reflect upon a season in their life where they learned so many things and grew in so many ways. I sing about my past experiences, about the things I don’t want to repeat again, and how God has taken me out of each one of those situations. I sing about home, about the things that are dear to my heart, about the crazy journey I have embarked upon thus far. I realize that my songs won’t change the world, but I can connect people to their emotions and their experiences.

Photography is the same way. To capture a moment in time with a photograph is something I don’t take lightly. Every shot, every edit is meant to capture a person or object within their existence, living through their own obstacles and circumstances, and embracing what lies ahead and what has been in the past. Sometimes, when a song just won’t suffice what I’m trying to say, a photograph will take its place.

I’ve really been struggling with how we as Christians handle creativity. We serve a very creative God and I think we fall very short of how He desires for us to use the things that He’s placed in each one of us. I fear that in our attempt to always be so relevant and cutting edge, we only become moral cookie cutters of the world we live in or catapult ourselves further back in the past and never really advance anywhere.

As believers, I think we should be some of the most creative people. We should be writing the songs that no one else is, painting the things that have yet to be seen, capturing the songs and the art of heaven.

Yet we fall short. We try to connect with the world, from a safe distance, and create mere replicas of what we already see. We become posers who rant about our originality, but lack it so greatly.

I think this is part of the reason as to why I haven’t recorded a worship record again. Everyone is asking me to do it, yet I fear that I’m scared. I’m scared of being a mere copy of what I’ve already heard. I really don’t think that’s God’s desire. I know it will happen, but I need the God songs in order to make it a possibility.

I’m done ranting now.