Cycles

I have determined that I am a creature of habit, especially in relation to the coming and going of each and every season of my restless existence. I live everyday, waking in only cyclical reaction to the previous hours before I had closed my eyes the previous night; pacing throughout the next day only anticipating the coming of the next.

 

I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. The silence of my life has been a continuous ghost, haunting me as I seek to find so many answers that have been birthed as only questions in my heart and mind, never actually maturing into a solution to the problems and priorities at hand.  All of my demons have been rearing their ugly heads into the course of my days, for I am no longer busy enough to ignore their whispers or just simply walk away.

 

My life has been a series of repeated circles, a cycle of events in which I should have learned my lesson the first time yet fail to see the problem I am placing myself in until it is too late and I have run the same course once again. Every June for the past 4 years of my life has been the beginning of a new season, the beginning of a time period in my life that I had only counted to, dreamed, or even spontaneously stumbled upon just through the every day and being in the right place at seemingly the right time.

 

Case and point.

 

June of 2005.

 

Playing in a band with some of my best friends, record contracts in front of very eyes after the first show we ever played, the shows are lining up, the record is being recorded.

 

And I walk away from it all, moving to Washington and thus leaving my heart wrenched with the dreadful loss of some of my best friends and creative companions due to the fact that I held the solid belief that I need to go.

 

And I did.  And I don’t regret it. For one moment.

 

June of 2006.

 

I’ve hit a dead end, all seems hopeless and the only thing I desire to do is to return home, in longing thought that the creative realms I once dwelt in still exist and have not changed. Yet, then the entrance of a boy shifted my entire world. One that opened my eyes to the kingdom of God and the aspect of giving myself wholeheartedly to that call.

 

It was the most amazing summer of my life thus far. I have so many memories that I will cherish forever.

 

Then it came to an end and I was broken more than I have ever experienced before.

 

I have loved fearlessly and will love again.

 

June of 2007.

 

Enter in Boy #2. This time with an entirely different allure, at a time when I was at my loneliest. And I lost so much of myself in the process. Even the good memories tend to be continuously overtaken by all of the bad and all of the regret. That summer was one of many ups and downs, leaving me to pick up the pieces of every aspect of my life. I had been broken down to literally nothing. And this last fall and winter were some of my darkest, most growing times that I have ever faced in the 21 years of my life.

The sound of restoration still rings in my heart.

 

June of 2008.

 

I move home, in an attempt to run away from all that I had endured, yet get to the point of realizing that was not the best decision. I am lonely. I am back at the beginning. I have never been so threatened and encompassed by all of the unknown in the everyday. I fear not using the education I just went through for four years of my life, or that the music will somehow die off into only distant whispers in my past, or that I will forever pace in the town I once called my home.

 

I am in the cycle once again. Yet, I desire a much different outcome. I want to not go through the hurt anymore, the decisions of getting myself into relationships that I need not even approach, the days in which I only pace into the next.

 

I was not made to stay here forever, only to work in a coffeehouse and wake up and do the same thing all over again.

 

I need the ocean breeze against my face, the sound of the creative ringing in my eardrums, the view of the sunset on the banks of the river, the smell of the coffee and the taste of the sushi, the people that have forever changed me and been a massive part of my life.

 

I want to live. I want to move back to the place in which I have now deemed as my home, the place in which I went through so much hurt, but was also brought back into to life once again.

 

No more circles. No more regrets.

No more living torn in two different directions.

 

Here I got two ways to go, and heaven only knows, I’ve been trying….

 

Sidenote: This song has just ripped me apart. I only hope to write something like this at some point. 

 

If Only..

I was cool enough to actually drive one of these things. 

I went on a ride with my dad yesterday. What a breath of fresh air. 

 

Chasing the Change

Another new song that I scratched out earlier today. I realize that half my head is cut off in the video, but I just want it for the audio anyways. 

 

CHASING THE CHANGE: 

All this time I’ve laid silent still

Hoping that  You’ll grant me the will

To move on when the hopelessness sways

 

All of this so looks different than before,

And there’s no one there at your door.

It seems a window is the only way.

 

Wish I could take back the time,

Before I was yours and your were mine,

And I would have lived where my heart longed to stay. 

 

Now all I’ve got are wasted dreams

Lost in this desert, longing for the sea

Praying that all those moments never fade.

 

Home will never be the same.

 

Nothing will endure

‘Cept for the passing of days

Oh my love, time is fading away.

Keep locked and safe, gather dust on the frames.

Oh sweet darling, you’re only chasing the change. 

My Early Morning Sanity

Photos…

Just the fact that these are still pictures from my last trip to the ocean, goes to show that I haven’t taken a decent photograph since I moved to Colorado. 

 

That needs to change. 

But, I’m satisfied with how these turned out. 

 

Miss these guys.  

Maintenance

“The spectacular is found in faithful obedience and not neglecting the house of God.”

Pastor Darren

 

 

            I’ve been helping out at a bunch of different churches around town, networking with other musicians and leaders, filling in the cracks where need be and experiencing many different church circles in the past few weeks. It’s been refreshing and tiring all at the same time. Every place a little different than the next, every group of people so similar yet so different. I’ve walked away from each service with more of a grasp upon what it means to be a local church, yet also a universal body. All of the years of having this beat into our heads and hearts at Bible College are now coming into full circle. I’ve also realized how much I’ve retained from the past four years of schooling, at the most random of times, in the most unexpected of situations.

 

            This quote though, at the top of the page, has stuck with me since Sunday. I tend to, unfortunately, chase after the spectacular experience of the moves and house of God. I think it is due to the fact that I’ve been in a lot of church situations, growing up in them all of my life, I’ve seen the things, heard the words, sung the songs. In my own humanity, when I’m focusing upon my own humanistic needs, then these things can become mediocre and lifeless. My generation seeks the experience, the flashing lights and the soaring emotions of a spoon-fed Christianity.  Our attention spans are shrinking by the minute and the church today seems to only feed our childish tendencies, becoming more flashy and consumer-oriented. We go in, get infused with all of the ‘right’ words, the ‘right’ songs, the ‘right’ service order, then we live; back into our lives that reflect far more of the world than they should.

 

 

I don’t like where that’s going.

 

The church I was at Sunday was as far away from the experience mentality as it could get and I loved it.  The attitude of- we’re here to love God and love people saturated every aspect of the service. No flashy lights, no over-stimulated preaching, no performance. Just a group of people, coming together despite our differences and mistakes, and worshipping God and loving each other. It was beautiful.

 

            The pastor made points that hit me like a ton of bricks. He spoke of the fact that our relationship with God is all about the aspect of maintenance, of faithful obedience to building and pouring into the house of God. That we shouldn’t underestimate the value of the long hauls of life. That there is a massive difference between faith and fame.

 

Welcome to my season; one of maintenance and faithfulness. I’ve been realizing all of things I possess that I don’t need. I’ve been haunted by all of the times I chased after the creation instead of the creator, when I put fame before the long haul of faith.

 

Maintenance is keeping the promises.

Maintenance is faith in action in the everyday.

Life is living out the daily grind of life and being faithful even in the mediocre.

 

The one question Pastor Darren left us with was this….

 

IS IT WORTH THE MAINTENANCE?

 

 

 

Yes.

 

That resounding yes is why I endure in my current situation. Why the next four months are ones of great breaking, preparation, and the getting rid of all the things that drag me down far too often. I want it to be worth it. I want to be faithful in the maintenance and not neglect the house of God.

 

Even if my maintenance is found in working at a coffeehouse, taking a few photo, helping with some worship sets, and learning what it is to rest.

 

No flashy lights, no massive experiences, just a long haul of faith that builds the foundation of my life with God and others.

 

 

The spectacular is found in the maintenance.

 

And it is worth it. 

 

Can’t Go Back Now…

This is really how home feels to me. This songs puts into words all of emotion I felt before I moved back to the beginning. Now I’m left without all the answers and a longing to go back to the one place I now call home. 

Home, for me, shall never be the same. 

 

( I apologize for the lame video. Just listen to the song.) 

 

 

Can’t Go Back Now: The Weepies

Yesterday, when you were young, 
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you’re all alone, 
What can you do? 

You and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.

You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step, 
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be, 
If you ever turn around, you’ll see me.

I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can’t go back now

But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. 

Soon….

For Your Ears….

A rough video of the song, Two Weeks From Yesterday. It of course is not completed, but you’ll get the general idea.

I miss you all.

So much.

Existing

I started reading a book this evening that I had begun a year ago at about this time, before my world was turned upside down and I allowed compromise to slowly grasp the ability to destroy all of my life. I have allowed this book to rest upon my bookshelf and haunt me, for a good year due to the fact that it is from the end of season and only has reminded me of all of the mistakes I made in the beginning of the next. The beginning of last summer and this summer have some striking similarities. I am very alone. Before I awoke in my apartment by myself, with only the rain and the coffee to keep me company. Now I rest in the place I once called home and feel about as far away from the actual concept of home as I could possibly be. I still wake very alone. I still am searching for my fit in this world and I fear I have just moved very far away from it.

 

I don’t deal well with change. I think deep down inside I wish I could be one of those spontaneous people that can pack their belongings and just go, without a plan, without a purpose; just meeting random people along the way and living life to the very fullest. Yet, I am not. I need a plan, to have it all mapped out resting in front of my restless eyes and presented clearly in front of me; so that I will avoid the unknown, the pain, the loneliness. Yet, I still am faced with these things. When I plan, I feel that I have control, but in return, not letting go gets me even further from what truly living means.

 

All I feel I am doing now is existing. All I do now is work. Eat. Sleep. Play some music here and there. Then get up and start the vicious cycle all over again. For so many years I have run at a hundred miles an hour, constantly, never ceasing, never stopping, never just resting. And now time has once again stopped and in the silence all of my demons come screaming out into the open and torture me in my dreams and my waking thoughts.

 

I was created for more than just merely existing. We all were. We all have a destiny upon our lives that is far bigger than our own hearts and minds can comprehend.

 

Yet, I keep losing sight of it. I keep having to wake myself out of my zombie-like existence and find hope in this life once again. I have to realize that I have an entire life ahead of me, yet I think in my current state my heart just shuts off the possibility of those things: an actual career, playing the music that lives in me, a husband, a family, a place to call my home. Every one of these things seems to unattainable, so unreachable, so distant.

 

Starting over is killing me. But, at least I’ve taken the step of picking up those books again, of finding little morsels of my life before I compromised so much of my existence, of crying out everyday for LIFE again.

 

 

I was not created to merely exist.