Restlessness

So many unknowns weigh so heavy upon my restless frame in these quickly passing days. I go to sleep so restless, then advance to being haunted within my dreams, only then to wake up and start the battle all over again in the early hours of every morning. Over every cup of coffee, during every early morning drive to work before the rest of the world has even opened up their eyes, in the silent moments when I sit at my porch contemplating the mysteries of my heart I battle with one unending phrase….

WHERE DO I NEED TO BE?

Six simple words. Yet they have morphed into the most difficult question I have ever needed to sort through in my heart and my mind. This question has no desire to remain silent. I’m to the place where it isn’t even the question of what I WANT, but what I NEED to be doing with myself. I want to make a difference in this world, to look beyond myself and my doubts, to actually be able to touch the lives of the people I come into contact with daily.

I know that I have not been called to live life comfortable, that I need to take risks, to learn, to discover, to breathe, to break. Yet, all feels like time is standing still, never ceasing, yet never advancing into a break of clarity and hope. I am left only with unanswered questions begging for solutions and an unsettled heart longing for something more. I KNOW THERE’S MORE.

I keep trying to think of the last time I was truly happy….

My last day in Longview. The ocean breeze upon my face, the looks of the faces of my friends. All of realizing that in a few short hours our existence for the last few years would make a drastic change. We all stood out in the parking lot at Starbucks, saying our goodbyes, giving our hugs, as the tears formed in the corner of our eyes. Then I somehow made it to the point of driving away. That was the most difficult moment.

And then the flood came. All of the tears I had held back for so many weeks finally broke.

There are moments lately when I am greatly torn between two worlds: here and the northwest. It’s not the risk of moving that frightens me, it’s the thought of making a poor decision and forsaking being in the place where I need to be. I want to be in the northwest, yet I still remain unsettled. I wake each day only to present my heart with my little lists of pros and cons in hope of finding the answer somehow on the pages of my moleskin notebook. It pains me greatly to think that so much of my decision making is based upon money, or the lack there of.

I just want to know. I have no desire to make a mistake and continue on questioning everything. This past year has been one saturated with some many decisions, some poor, some right, some still unknown. I would hope now to have some idea as to where I need to be.

I have no idea.

I will rest on this very porch everyday and ask these questions until the fateful answer is revealed to my seeking heart. I desire God’s will. I desire to know where I can make the most difference and throw myself wholeheartedly into that cause and destiny.

I have no desire to continue to plan my way into all restlessness.

I believe there will be a day where I will just make the decision. A firm yes or no. Then I shall take the risks and not look back.

Today is not yet that day.

Showtime

It felt so wonderful to be back doing what I love again.

Dreaming in the Wilderness

            I firmly believe that some of the most difficult growing times in our lives are those spent in the wilderness, the seasons in our lives in which we are stripped bare of everything but necessity and called to focus upon the conditions of our aching hearts and step back from the current surroundings in which we find our lives planted far too firmly in. During the seasons we spend in the wilderness it becomes just that: our desert; the point when we find ourselves without anything but the faith in our hearts and the unquenchable desire to find paradise once again. In the desert we are stripped of all our pleasures and wants, left only with our longing pleas for the rains to come once again and to wash the dirt from our weary backs and eyes.

 

            The desert breaks us of all of the things we do not need. The wilderness forces us to focus upon our chaotic lives and how far we tend to walk away from all that we truly needed in the first place, while running to what we once believed was paradise. Yet, we far too often run to the paradises of the world, the pleasurable destinations that rest only in darkness but are clothed in a false light of deception and false hope; the paradise in which we can fill our lives with so much false pleasure and still walk away so empty and unfulfilled.

 

 

I still wake in the desert, longing for the sea.

Yet, everyday in the desert is somehow still beautiful.

I’m breaking.

I’m purifying.

I’m discovering.

I’m dreaming.

 

For far too long I have chased after a false paradise, the seemingly perfect moment in time where all the pieces of my life fall together and I arrive at the destination of my desired perfection.

 

Chasing after perfection is not living.

 

 

I’ve been spending my mornings out on my back porch, with a freshly brewed French press coffee, my moleskin notebook, my Bible, and the latest McManus book. I’m fighting through all of my inadequacies and doubts. I’m establishing the stark difference between comfort and challenge, pleasure and purpose. I’m gaining so much vision for the rest of my life and realizing how much I desire to no longer live for myself, trapped by my own doubts and failures. I desire to walk into the glorious existence that Christ has had for me all along. 

 

I’m allowing myself to dream again.

I’m dreaming big.  

“Great lives are born out of great dreams, often through great sacrifice and great suffering. You cannot even begin to live the dream God has for you until you stop caring only about yourself.”

–Erwin McManus, Wide Awake

 

I’m Playing A Show Soon….

Boys Will Be Boys

Until the Open Road Leads Me Home….

So don’t get down
Good things come when you stop waiting around
Good things come when you stop looking
Don’t get down
You’ve just got to stop looking
(Kathleen Edwards, Good Things)

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of waiting lately; of always being in some mode of preparation but time just inches by slowly as every moment passes. The possibility of only pacing through the days is always there, quickly whispering to my heart- it’s ok, it will always be like this, so relax, don’t dream, don’t live, just live with how it all is.

That is not me. The past 7 years of my life were not lived so that I could just become some lazy stump of a human being that works at a coffeehouse, hangs with the guys, and wakes up to the do the same thing all over again. I’m trying to intensely break myself of all cycles in my life, that is one of them. Being home, I have every opportunity to just float through life, doing all the things that people think or feel I should be doing and in turn shutting of so many of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

I am young. I have my entire life ahead of me, yet as of late I wake with this idea that this is it for me. This is far from it. This season is a launch pad of preparation, restoration, and intimacy with God. Once I realize that, pieces begin to fall into place and my current boring existence has a mission, a passion, a purpose. No matter how many minutes I take living frustrated about being here and not where I would truly want to be.

Good things come to those who stop waiting around.

I’m trying to be productive in my waiting. To do good even though time inches by me. Having faith in something doesn’t mean just sitting on our rear ends hoping that God brings opportunity into our lives.

Faith is doing. Living. Breathing. Discovering. Preparing. Restoring.

Every single day brings me closer to where my heart longs to be. Everyday I am broken more into the person I was called to become. Everyday I am frustrated with where I am at and long to change all of these things that rage inside of me. Everyday I miss friends in my life with such intensity that I don’t know at times how to make it to the next minute.

I’m learning.
I’m writing more songs than I have in a long time.
I’m finally reading all the books I have never had time to read.
I’m building the church, through one friendship at a time.
I’m saving every single penny I make for the next season in my life.
I’m getting rid of so many things that I don’t need in the waking realization that less truly is more.

When I finally realize what is in front of me and all around me, my heart wants to burst at the seams. But, this realization only comes at the point when I stop giving up and make an effort.

I’m finding…

You cannot grow alone. I seek community far more than I ever imagined possible. And I feel like I haven’t found it quite yet.

I am not yet the person I want someone to fall in love with.

Change is still the only thing that endures.

I still have a lot of breaking to do from the last season of my life so that I can live fully into the next.

God is the only constant in my life. It is Him I will hold on to.

I will get through this. Through every new song, every new cup of coffee, every friendship that has stood the test of time, every moment I spend in the presence of God.

Until the open road leads me home.

Silence

This is about as close to the ocean as I’m going to get right now.