2008 August « Baily Stauffer

It has been quite a bit of time since I last was able to sit down and allow my thoughts to seep out on to paper with pen, to quiet my heart in the early hours of the morning out on my back porch and be able to articulate all that is occurring in my life as of late. So many things have changed in these past few weeks, so many new experiences, so many new memories, so many new aspects of my journey of life. I can hardly contain all that is being built up inside of me. I feel refreshed. I feel renewed. I feel like for the first time in a very, very, very long time that…..

I am where I’m supposed to be.

Those seven simple words haven’t graced my lips or the crevices of my heart and soul for a very long time. I have lived so restless, constantly stuck between my existence and my dreams; being torn between all of things of my past and all of the aspects of my future that I tend to shut off due to the experiences that threaten to tear me down at times. Yet, for once, I feel free; free to walk into my future with an open heart and open eyes.

As far as my life goes…..a quick update since I haven’t written in a while.

I’ve finally made a decision, after much prayer, after much seeking, and after many hours of losing hope and only gaining frustration, I’ve decided to stay. For the time being, Colorado is the place for me. Much of me still knows that it is not forever, that my feet will once again be able to grace the soil of the northwest, yet for now, I have made the decision to stay. It was sitting in the back of my soul for many weeks as I continued to push it away in hope of articulating the answer I wanted to hear of allowing myself to be released to the place in which my heart is still so attached to. Someday I will once again rest in the place of rain, coffee, the music that is so dear to my heart, and the people that I have spent the last few years of my life with. Everything will change, for we are always in transition, yet I know that when it is time, it will be time. I’ll know it, just like I know I’m supposed to be here right now.

Days after I had finally made the decision to stay so many pieces of my life began to fall into the place, there was calm brought into the chaos of my soul and I began to see more of the big picture of my current journey living back where I came from. It was so strange and thrilling to realize that I had finally come to a healthy conclusion and the cause and effect began to transform right before my eyes. All of the puzzle pieces of my existence that had been laid on the table in disarray finally have begun to come together to create something of meaning and clarity.

For starters….

At the beginning of September, I’m beginning an internship back at my home church. I’ll be organizing all of the chaos of the worship ministry and will be leading worship once again. It feels so good to be connected again, to be a part of a vision once more, and to dwell in one aspect of my calling. I love the feeling of being able to make a difference through the Bride of Christ. All of things I wrote about and learned through college can now be applied once again in the reality of the church I grew up in. The internship will consist of worship and all of the behind the scenes organizational stuff that I for some reason love to do. I seem to find a certain sense of accomplishment when I sort through all of the file folders, contacts, and chord charts. (Strange, I know.)

I’ve also had the most unexpected person come into my life in the past few weeks. An amazing, creative, man of God that has taken me completely by surprise and continues to make every single day I wake so much better. I was to the point of almost giving up the thought of a guy in my life, I was settled on the fact of my singleness, yet God had another plan in mind. The very moment, in which I thought I would never find someone again, I was hit dead on with a person I had only dreamed of and had began to forget in all of my hopeless wandering since the last season of my life. I’m falling in love.

I am completely in awe of the way God brings people into our lives, at the most unexpected times.

In a week I will be returning to the northwest for a week. So much of my time this summer has been spent counting down the days until this trip, for I get to return to the place that still so holds the strings of my heart so tightly; some days more intensely than others. I’m doing photography for one of my best friend’s weddings. I’m so excited to be back there once again, yet am also very fearful of becoming so attached to the place once again. My heart is bursting at the seams though with the thought of all of the people I get see in a few short days and be back treading upon the ground that changed me so much in the last few years. I grew up there, my heart died there, and the restoration of my soul was began upon that very ground. The significance of the place and the people causes my attachment there to be so intense and irreplaceable.

So much of my life is changing. I wake up every morning with an expectation for what the day will hold. I’m lacking in so much sleep due to the fact that I don’t want to close my eyes, for the minutes during the day seem strangely unreal most of the time; I fear missing all of the amazing moments in time that I find myself in. I still wake in the mundane, yet there is different light that rests upon every day. My heart feels so alive, my soul feels so refreshed. I have not been at this place in a long time, if not ever. It feels so good, so unknown, and so unreal.

Life is truly beautiful.