I’m Engaged!!!

I have never smiled as much as have been these past few days. So much has happened, so many things so unexpected, so many things that I have only dreamed of yet never lived through.

My entire life has taken a turn for the better in these past few months. I have never felt more like myself, more alive, and more encouraged to embark upon the calling upon my life than I have in these passing weeks.

For those of you that know me well and know the past few years of my life realize that this is a complete change from the darker season that I found myself in this time last year. I was influenced and sucked in to a culture and relationship that only began to destroy every single bit of my soul, every dream that my heart ever possessed, and every desire to be the person I knew I was called to be and to become.

I now can look back and realize that I was supposed to go through all of that. To be broken. To lose so much. To walk through the process of grace and forgiveness. To actually see the picture of redemption played out in every moment of my life and before my very eyes. I don’t think I ever really had a grasp upon what Christ actually sacrificed for me upon the cross, until I had begun to fall away from all I had ever known and walked away. He never left. He was by my side the entire time, holding me through the pain, being there even when I wanted nothing to do with all of it. He was there when I was trying to get as far away from him as possible because I knew how far I had fallen.

And walking away from that dark season has brought me into a season of so much unexpected light. So much joy. So much laughter. So many desires and dreams that laid so dormant for so many months.

I am living fully alive.

Fully awake.

In the midst of all of the healing…. I met my soulmate. I never quite knew what to expect about the relational side of my life. For I had screwed up just about everything in that area of my life and had lost a  lot of belief in all of it.

But then Ryan came into my life.

At the very moment when I needed to meet him the most.

My life will never be the same.

We, together, are the picture of the grace and love of God.

And on Sept. 27, 2008, he asked me to be his wife.

We were at Red Rocks seeing Sigur Ros (the best band ever!). Through certain connections, we ended up sitting in the very front row center. We had the best seats in the house, 9,000 people behind us and the band so close I could hear everything that went on. I couldn’t believe it. I wish I could have brought my camera in, but wasn’t allowed.

Then next thing I know, Ryan is on one knee and proposing! In front of 9,000 other people.

I couldn’t be happier. I can’t believe waking up every morning now and realizing that it all isn’t a dream, that I WILL spend the rest of my life with this man, and that the only way I got to this place was because God brought both of us together. God knew all along. His hands were upon our hearts even before we knew what he was doing.

I’m never turning back now.

Coffeehouses, Chord Charts, and Craziness

I need to just take a moment and just…….
BREATHE.

Right at the moment when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get any more busy, it did.

Right at the moment when I thought my dreams had been destroyed forever, I found hope.

Right at the moment when I thought I could no longer get myself up to face the mundane, I discovered once again the extraordinary.

Right at the moment when I thought I would never find love again, I ran right into, at the most unexpected of times.

And now at this very moment, I can yell to the masses with the utmost confidence that….

I LOVE MY LIFE.

For me to be able to get to the place to say that is only by the hands of a redeeming, forgiving, loving God. I would not be anywhere near the place I am today if God hadn’t taking me up out of the pit, dusted me off, and brought me head first into a life of craziness, extraordinary opportunities and relationships, and living through days of light that I only dreamed of in my darkest of times.

I’ve always been the kind of person to point out all that is going wrong, all that I would like to change, all of the things that need patched up and tossed aside. I’m the melancholy musician that always wrote the songs after the breakup, only to walk around with a mentality of the glass half full and only my loneliness and frustration as my comfort.

Yet, now it is different. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like to be where one should be, to be doing what you created to do, to be able to live out all of the things that have burned so intensely in my heart for so many years. It’s as if all of the years of wandering and wondering have finally brought me to this place, the place of home where I thought I was going backwards, yet in all reality would discover the life I was meant to live. I am still restless, I still get lost at times, yet not as much as I once did. I still know I will face change and difficulty, yet my eyes and heart have been opened to so much more.

Now my task at hand is to organize and simplify through all of this craziness. Everyday is spent sorting through my schedule, over and over again, in hope of landing on something that doesn’t overlap all of the things I need to get done and to narrow down my to do list to something manageable. I feel like I want to do everything. Everything I am doing is something that I love, every aspect a different part of myself and my dreams.

An update (since I hardly ever blog because I hardly can sit down and write our all that is burning inside of me….) ……

I just gave my two weeks notice at the coffee shop I was working at. Due to many things and the fact that I finally got a job at the shop I wanted, I will be free from the coffeehouse I have spent many hours of frustration and even joy at. It has been a good run, yet I am so thankful that it is slowly coming to an end. The new place is far more of a good fit for me. I am overjoyed at the opportunity to work there.

I am playing shows again, with a new band and no idea where the future will lead me. I’m alright with that for now. My days of music filled excursions have lessoned since Portland, yet I still get a taste every once in a while of what once was. Not recording currently is killing me, yet I also have hardly had the time to pen the songs of my heart in these passing months. That season always comes and goes for me, I just have to be alright with the times when it is not the moment when I get to release the songs I’ve held onto for months and months.

I’m working at church again. I don’t think I’ve felt this alive in a long, long time. Even in the midst of chord charts, file folders, and far too much coffee, I am finding my feet again. I had been so derailed from the last season of my life, my heart had been so broken, and my soul so beaten. I find hope every time I go to work, every time I sit at my desk, every time I sit at the piano on Sunday. I am finally free. My life has become such a picture of redemption and hope. I am reminded of it every time I am there.

I just want to wake up everyday and create something.
To build something.
To endeavor upon all of the relationships that have been placed in my life.
To find the joy even in the maintenance of life.
To take time to breathe every once in a while.
I can’t do everything. I’m slowly realizing that and I am taking steps towards getting to the place I absolutely need to be.

I’m just loving life and seeking more focus in all of it
Yet, it still continues to become more and more beautiful with every second.

“For us to get focused, we need to make adjustments.”
-McManus.

Welcome to my current existence of craziness.

Sneak Peek…

A few weeks ago I had the wonderful opportunity to do photography for the two most amazing people ever! Here is a sneak peak…I still have hundreds of shots to sort through…..

Mal and Seth Ringleman

My lil’ sister’s hubby is off to the navy next week and they wanted some photos. I really like how these turned out.

Portland in Black and White

Oh, how I completely adore this city. Until we meet again…