Fruit

Earlier this week, I walked into the place in which I have grown so accustomed to. Within those four walls, I have found so many things within the course of my last few years of breaking, discovering, healing, and sometimes even breaking again. The aged bricked walls are lined with many memories, many triumphs, and many defeats. They are reminiscent of the years when I was so on fire, yet also of the years I walked away only to return broken and battered. Within that church, I found so much of myself. I turned the key to the door of my office and was met by a mess of chord charts, guitars, cables, mics; all scattered about carelessly, as an unkempt mess of chaos tossed in there by numerous musicians. Suddenly I went into a frenzied hour of organizing, throwing out, putting away, and cleaning up. Once I could see the actual top of my desk, I sat down and took a moment to breathe. So many things overwhelmed me within that forsaken moment; so many things flooded my existence that I hadn’t felt any many years. The life I felt breathed back into my bones was something that my own apathetic tendencies had shoved in to a darkened corner for the past few years of my life.

The frenzy within the chaos reminded me of a couple of years ago, back when I felt far more young and innocent than I do now, far more naive, and far more in love with the church that I had grown up in. I was taken back to the nights when I would come and organize the stage for the music the next day, arranging everything in its place, printing out the chord charts, praying over what was to come, anticipating all that we would experience in the presence of God. I lived and breathed within these walls. It was what I was. It was the thing that I had always so longed to be.

I don’t really feel that drive as much as I would like lately. I have to fight for it. I am stuck in between two different churches, being a part of both, and wearing myself out. I’m sick of the routine, of playing the same four chords day in and day out. Where is our drive? Where is our thirst? Where is the young, unbridled passion that we once possessed? I am so incredibly sick of simply playing church. Of walking in every weekend or every Thursday, setting up our equipment, playing through three to five predictable songs, praying, and then leaving. This is not what I originally thought I was signing up for. Yet, in my busyness and the chaos of my life, somehow I have become alright with the idea of settling for just that.

This must change. I don’t know how, yet. All I know, is that God created two different types of people in this world. The pastors and the artists. Both are called to work within the church. Both are the key to bringing about change, growth, and freshness.

Unless we have three things: the word, worship, and community….nothing will live and breathe as it was created to. I’m involved in far too many things that are focusing on only one or two of these things. And it is for that reason that we are feeling so lifeless and apathetic, constantly striving and doing, doing and striving….yet where is the fruit? 

 

Where is it?

Ghosts

“A man’s reputation is what other people think of him; his character is what he really is.”

The ghosts of my past weigh heavy upon my frame in these past few weeks.

The stirring up of dust and grime that covers my forgiven past still creeps its way into my current life at times.

I shall have no more it.

It is said that one can take 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to quickly lose it. How in one single moment or comprimise, all that was once so carefully built will be as dust in the passing wind.

I know of the things I have done. I know of the things I ran far away from. And I know of the souls that I let down.

I wish only that the ghosts of my past would no longer look towards the brokenness of my once perfected reputation and be able to again realize the drastic changes that God has been doing within my character.

I am not the woman I used to be.

Far from it.

I know that I can not buy back my time, or one’s respect, but I can be the one to bring about the changes in my life; as I have been since my fateful move back to Colorado.

I’m no longer focusing upon the bitter remains of my reputation, but the building of the new foundation of my redeemed character.

“Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”

-A. Lincoln

I’m focusing upon the growth of a tree, no matter how shattered and tired it may have become.

I am a new creation, only by the sheer grace of God.

The ghosts of my past may never truly understand, yet someday I hope they will be able to see.

The tree instead of the shadow.

Dear L-town……

Why the intense silence? It is a silence that has crept into my bones, as a ghost or a shadow of what once was that will never live to be seen again. Why no words now? Why the dropping off of all communication, of all hope, of all light into this darkened world?

I fear your opinion of my consequence, of my decisions, of my move. I fear that you have the wrong idea of my reason for leaving, for escaping before I, myself, would have destroyed everything and all that I had left in my aching bones. If I had stayed, if I would have endured, and continued to burn in that place, I would have been reduced to nothing. I would have been brought to the place of choosing, the path of light and the path of darkness; my heart knows which pathway I would have chosen.  I was still choosing the darkness, still aching for the light once again, and realizing that all would never be the same.

Which is why I had to run.

Which I why I had to return back to the edge of all beginnings and start over.

Yet, I fear you believe that I left in the wrong way.
That I was running for all of the wrong reasons.
That I burned so brightly, only to awake one day in May and leave it all behind.

I pray that you understand my decision. That your heart, your mind, and your soul will grasp the reasons in which I have not returned to stay. That you could understand that one-day I shall return and I hope and pray that we shall still be friends.

I only wish I didn’t wake with all of these questions, these unanswered phone calls, these emails that you have left unopened and unanswered.

I only wish that you would know how much I cherish the seasons in time that I spent walking upon your ground, creating within your broken walls, and embarking upon the era that changed me forever. I shall never be the same and no thing and no one shall ever replace you.

Yet you remain silent.
And I wait in the silence.
I wait broken and torn.
Yet, I also wait in a place where I am no longer settling or destroying myself.

I am happy.
My life is beautiful.
And none of it would be so if I had never experienced life with you.

And, one day, when I return, I hope that all is not lost and the shadows and the silence will be nowhere to be seen.

I have not forgotten you, yet why have you forgotten me?

I wait in the silence.
Can you hear me?

I’m Engaged!!!

I have never smiled as much as have been these past few days. So much has happened, so many things so unexpected, so many things that I have only dreamed of yet never lived through.

My entire life has taken a turn for the better in these past few months. I have never felt more like myself, more alive, and more encouraged to embark upon the calling upon my life than I have in these passing weeks.

For those of you that know me well and know the past few years of my life realize that this is a complete change from the darker season that I found myself in this time last year. I was influenced and sucked in to a culture and relationship that only began to destroy every single bit of my soul, every dream that my heart ever possessed, and every desire to be the person I knew I was called to be and to become.

I now can look back and realize that I was supposed to go through all of that. To be broken. To lose so much. To walk through the process of grace and forgiveness. To actually see the picture of redemption played out in every moment of my life and before my very eyes. I don’t think I ever really had a grasp upon what Christ actually sacrificed for me upon the cross, until I had begun to fall away from all I had ever known and walked away. He never left. He was by my side the entire time, holding me through the pain, being there even when I wanted nothing to do with all of it. He was there when I was trying to get as far away from him as possible because I knew how far I had fallen.

And walking away from that dark season has brought me into a season of so much unexpected light. So much joy. So much laughter. So many desires and dreams that laid so dormant for so many months.

I am living fully alive.

Fully awake.

In the midst of all of the healing…. I met my soulmate. I never quite knew what to expect about the relational side of my life. For I had screwed up just about everything in that area of my life and had lost a  lot of belief in all of it.

But then Ryan came into my life.

At the very moment when I needed to meet him the most.

My life will never be the same.

We, together, are the picture of the grace and love of God.

And on Sept. 27, 2008, he asked me to be his wife.

We were at Red Rocks seeing Sigur Ros (the best band ever!). Through certain connections, we ended up sitting in the very front row center. We had the best seats in the house, 9,000 people behind us and the band so close I could hear everything that went on. I couldn’t believe it. I wish I could have brought my camera in, but wasn’t allowed.

Then next thing I know, Ryan is on one knee and proposing! In front of 9,000 other people.

I couldn’t be happier. I can’t believe waking up every morning now and realizing that it all isn’t a dream, that I WILL spend the rest of my life with this man, and that the only way I got to this place was because God brought both of us together. God knew all along. His hands were upon our hearts even before we knew what he was doing.

I’m never turning back now.

Coffeehouses, Chord Charts, and Craziness

I need to just take a moment and just…….
BREATHE.

Right at the moment when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get any more busy, it did.

Right at the moment when I thought my dreams had been destroyed forever, I found hope.

Right at the moment when I thought I could no longer get myself up to face the mundane, I discovered once again the extraordinary.

Right at the moment when I thought I would never find love again, I ran right into, at the most unexpected of times.

And now at this very moment, I can yell to the masses with the utmost confidence that….

I LOVE MY LIFE.

For me to be able to get to the place to say that is only by the hands of a redeeming, forgiving, loving God. I would not be anywhere near the place I am today if God hadn’t taking me up out of the pit, dusted me off, and brought me head first into a life of craziness, extraordinary opportunities and relationships, and living through days of light that I only dreamed of in my darkest of times.

I’ve always been the kind of person to point out all that is going wrong, all that I would like to change, all of the things that need patched up and tossed aside. I’m the melancholy musician that always wrote the songs after the breakup, only to walk around with a mentality of the glass half full and only my loneliness and frustration as my comfort.

Yet, now it is different. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like to be where one should be, to be doing what you created to do, to be able to live out all of the things that have burned so intensely in my heart for so many years. It’s as if all of the years of wandering and wondering have finally brought me to this place, the place of home where I thought I was going backwards, yet in all reality would discover the life I was meant to live. I am still restless, I still get lost at times, yet not as much as I once did. I still know I will face change and difficulty, yet my eyes and heart have been opened to so much more.

Now my task at hand is to organize and simplify through all of this craziness. Everyday is spent sorting through my schedule, over and over again, in hope of landing on something that doesn’t overlap all of the things I need to get done and to narrow down my to do list to something manageable. I feel like I want to do everything. Everything I am doing is something that I love, every aspect a different part of myself and my dreams.

An update (since I hardly ever blog because I hardly can sit down and write our all that is burning inside of me….) ……

I just gave my two weeks notice at the coffee shop I was working at. Due to many things and the fact that I finally got a job at the shop I wanted, I will be free from the coffeehouse I have spent many hours of frustration and even joy at. It has been a good run, yet I am so thankful that it is slowly coming to an end. The new place is far more of a good fit for me. I am overjoyed at the opportunity to work there.

I am playing shows again, with a new band and no idea where the future will lead me. I’m alright with that for now. My days of music filled excursions have lessoned since Portland, yet I still get a taste every once in a while of what once was. Not recording currently is killing me, yet I also have hardly had the time to pen the songs of my heart in these passing months. That season always comes and goes for me, I just have to be alright with the times when it is not the moment when I get to release the songs I’ve held onto for months and months.

I’m working at church again. I don’t think I’ve felt this alive in a long, long time. Even in the midst of chord charts, file folders, and far too much coffee, I am finding my feet again. I had been so derailed from the last season of my life, my heart had been so broken, and my soul so beaten. I find hope every time I go to work, every time I sit at my desk, every time I sit at the piano on Sunday. I am finally free. My life has become such a picture of redemption and hope. I am reminded of it every time I am there.

I just want to wake up everyday and create something.
To build something.
To endeavor upon all of the relationships that have been placed in my life.
To find the joy even in the maintenance of life.
To take time to breathe every once in a while.
I can’t do everything. I’m slowly realizing that and I am taking steps towards getting to the place I absolutely need to be.

I’m just loving life and seeking more focus in all of it
Yet, it still continues to become more and more beautiful with every second.

“For us to get focused, we need to make adjustments.”
-McManus.

Welcome to my current existence of craziness.

Sneak Peek…

A few weeks ago I had the wonderful opportunity to do photography for the two most amazing people ever! Here is a sneak peak…I still have hundreds of shots to sort through…..

Portland in Black and White

Oh, how I completely adore this city. Until we meet again…

An Update……

It has been quite a bit of time since I last was able to sit down and allow my thoughts to seep out on to paper with pen, to quiet my heart in the early hours of the morning out on my back porch and be able to articulate all that is occurring in my life as of late. So many things have changed in these past few weeks, so many new experiences, so many new memories, so many new aspects of my journey of life. I can hardly contain all that is being built up inside of me. I feel refreshed. I feel renewed. I feel like for the first time in a very, very, very long time that…..

I am where I’m supposed to be.

Those seven simple words haven’t graced my lips or the crevices of my heart and soul for a very long time. I have lived so restless, constantly stuck between my existence and my dreams; being torn between all of things of my past and all of the aspects of my future that I tend to shut off due to the experiences that threaten to tear me down at times. Yet, for once, I feel free; free to walk into my future with an open heart and open eyes.

As far as my life goes…..a quick update since I haven’t written in a while.

I’ve finally made a decision, after much prayer, after much seeking, and after many hours of losing hope and only gaining frustration, I’ve decided to stay. For the time being, Colorado is the place for me. Much of me still knows that it is not forever, that my feet will once again be able to grace the soil of the northwest, yet for now, I have made the decision to stay. It was sitting in the back of my soul for many weeks as I continued to push it away in hope of articulating the answer I wanted to hear of allowing myself to be released to the place in which my heart is still so attached to. Someday I will once again rest in the place of rain, coffee, the music that is so dear to my heart, and the people that I have spent the last few years of my life with. Everything will change, for we are always in transition, yet I know that when it is time, it will be time. I’ll know it, just like I know I’m supposed to be here right now.

Days after I had finally made the decision to stay so many pieces of my life began to fall into the place, there was calm brought into the chaos of my soul and I began to see more of the big picture of my current journey living back where I came from. It was so strange and thrilling to realize that I had finally come to a healthy conclusion and the cause and effect began to transform right before my eyes. All of the puzzle pieces of my existence that had been laid on the table in disarray finally have begun to come together to create something of meaning and clarity.

For starters….

At the beginning of September, I’m beginning an internship back at my home church. I’ll be organizing all of the chaos of the worship ministry and will be leading worship once again. It feels so good to be connected again, to be a part of a vision once more, and to dwell in one aspect of my calling. I love the feeling of being able to make a difference through the Bride of Christ. All of things I wrote about and learned through college can now be applied once again in the reality of the church I grew up in. The internship will consist of worship and all of the behind the scenes organizational stuff that I for some reason love to do. I seem to find a certain sense of accomplishment when I sort through all of the file folders, contacts, and chord charts. (Strange, I know.)

I’ve also had the most unexpected person come into my life in the past few weeks. An amazing, creative, man of God that has taken me completely by surprise and continues to make every single day I wake so much better. I was to the point of almost giving up the thought of a guy in my life, I was settled on the fact of my singleness, yet God had another plan in mind. The very moment, in which I thought I would never find someone again, I was hit dead on with a person I had only dreamed of and had began to forget in all of my hopeless wandering since the last season of my life. I’m falling in love.

I am completely in awe of the way God brings people into our lives, at the most unexpected times.

In a week I will be returning to the northwest for a week. So much of my time this summer has been spent counting down the days until this trip, for I get to return to the place that still so holds the strings of my heart so tightly; some days more intensely than others. I’m doing photography for one of my best friend’s weddings. I’m so excited to be back there once again, yet am also very fearful of becoming so attached to the place once again. My heart is bursting at the seams though with the thought of all of the people I get see in a few short days and be back treading upon the ground that changed me so much in the last few years. I grew up there, my heart died there, and the restoration of my soul was began upon that very ground. The significance of the place and the people causes my attachment there to be so intense and irreplaceable.

So much of my life is changing. I wake up every morning with an expectation for what the day will hold. I’m lacking in so much sleep due to the fact that I don’t want to close my eyes, for the minutes during the day seem strangely unreal most of the time; I fear missing all of the amazing moments in time that I find myself in. I still wake in the mundane, yet there is different light that rests upon every day. My heart feels so alive, my soul feels so refreshed. I have not been at this place in a long time, if not ever. It feels so good, so unknown, and so unreal.

Life is truly beautiful.

Restlessness

So many unknowns weigh so heavy upon my restless frame in these quickly passing days. I go to sleep so restless, then advance to being haunted within my dreams, only then to wake up and start the battle all over again in the early hours of every morning. Over every cup of coffee, during every early morning drive to work before the rest of the world has even opened up their eyes, in the silent moments when I sit at my porch contemplating the mysteries of my heart I battle with one unending phrase….

WHERE DO I NEED TO BE?

Six simple words. Yet they have morphed into the most difficult question I have ever needed to sort through in my heart and my mind. This question has no desire to remain silent. I’m to the place where it isn’t even the question of what I WANT, but what I NEED to be doing with myself. I want to make a difference in this world, to look beyond myself and my doubts, to actually be able to touch the lives of the people I come into contact with daily.

I know that I have not been called to live life comfortable, that I need to take risks, to learn, to discover, to breathe, to break. Yet, all feels like time is standing still, never ceasing, yet never advancing into a break of clarity and hope. I am left only with unanswered questions begging for solutions and an unsettled heart longing for something more. I KNOW THERE’S MORE.

I keep trying to think of the last time I was truly happy….

My last day in Longview. The ocean breeze upon my face, the looks of the faces of my friends. All of realizing that in a few short hours our existence for the last few years would make a drastic change. We all stood out in the parking lot at Starbucks, saying our goodbyes, giving our hugs, as the tears formed in the corner of our eyes. Then I somehow made it to the point of driving away. That was the most difficult moment.

And then the flood came. All of the tears I had held back for so many weeks finally broke.

There are moments lately when I am greatly torn between two worlds: here and the northwest. It’s not the risk of moving that frightens me, it’s the thought of making a poor decision and forsaking being in the place where I need to be. I want to be in the northwest, yet I still remain unsettled. I wake each day only to present my heart with my little lists of pros and cons in hope of finding the answer somehow on the pages of my moleskin notebook. It pains me greatly to think that so much of my decision making is based upon money, or the lack there of.

I just want to know. I have no desire to make a mistake and continue on questioning everything. This past year has been one saturated with some many decisions, some poor, some right, some still unknown. I would hope now to have some idea as to where I need to be.

I have no idea.

I will rest on this very porch everyday and ask these questions until the fateful answer is revealed to my seeking heart. I desire God’s will. I desire to know where I can make the most difference and throw myself wholeheartedly into that cause and destiny.

I have no desire to continue to plan my way into all restlessness.

I believe there will be a day where I will just make the decision. A firm yes or no. Then I shall take the risks and not look back.

Today is not yet that day.

Until the Open Road Leads Me Home….

So don’t get down
Good things come when you stop waiting around
Good things come when you stop looking
Don’t get down
You’ve just got to stop looking
(Kathleen Edwards, Good Things)

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of waiting lately; of always being in some mode of preparation but time just inches by slowly as every moment passes. The possibility of only pacing through the days is always there, quickly whispering to my heart- it’s ok, it will always be like this, so relax, don’t dream, don’t live, just live with how it all is.

That is not me. The past 7 years of my life were not lived so that I could just become some lazy stump of a human being that works at a coffeehouse, hangs with the guys, and wakes up to the do the same thing all over again. I’m trying to intensely break myself of all cycles in my life, that is one of them. Being home, I have every opportunity to just float through life, doing all the things that people think or feel I should be doing and in turn shutting of so many of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

I am young. I have my entire life ahead of me, yet as of late I wake with this idea that this is it for me. This is far from it. This season is a launch pad of preparation, restoration, and intimacy with God. Once I realize that, pieces begin to fall into place and my current boring existence has a mission, a passion, a purpose. No matter how many minutes I take living frustrated about being here and not where I would truly want to be.

Good things come to those who stop waiting around.

I’m trying to be productive in my waiting. To do good even though time inches by me. Having faith in something doesn’t mean just sitting on our rear ends hoping that God brings opportunity into our lives.

Faith is doing. Living. Breathing. Discovering. Preparing. Restoring.

Every single day brings me closer to where my heart longs to be. Everyday I am broken more into the person I was called to become. Everyday I am frustrated with where I am at and long to change all of these things that rage inside of me. Everyday I miss friends in my life with such intensity that I don’t know at times how to make it to the next minute.

I’m learning.
I’m writing more songs than I have in a long time.
I’m finally reading all the books I have never had time to read.
I’m building the church, through one friendship at a time.
I’m saving every single penny I make for the next season in my life.
I’m getting rid of so many things that I don’t need in the waking realization that less truly is more.

When I finally realize what is in front of me and all around me, my heart wants to burst at the seams. But, this realization only comes at the point when I stop giving up and make an effort.

I’m finding…

You cannot grow alone. I seek community far more than I ever imagined possible. And I feel like I haven’t found it quite yet.

I am not yet the person I want someone to fall in love with.

Change is still the only thing that endures.

I still have a lot of breaking to do from the last season of my life so that I can live fully into the next.

God is the only constant in my life. It is Him I will hold on to.

I will get through this. Through every new song, every new cup of coffee, every friendship that has stood the test of time, every moment I spend in the presence of God.

Until the open road leads me home.