Finding My Feet Again

….this is what it’s like
finding your feet again
the part of you that couldn’t
finally thinks you can….

Denison Witmer

Words

You learn to speak by speaking,

to study by studying

To run by running,

to work by working.

And just so,

you learn to love by loving.

Begin as a mere apprentice

And the very power of love

Will lead you to become a master of the art.

-St Francis of Sales

….more words to come. There is much burning inside of my heart lately, good things…..

Coffeehouses, Chord Charts, and Craziness

I need to just take a moment and just…….
BREATHE.

Right at the moment when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get any more busy, it did.

Right at the moment when I thought my dreams had been destroyed forever, I found hope.

Right at the moment when I thought I could no longer get myself up to face the mundane, I discovered once again the extraordinary.

Right at the moment when I thought I would never find love again, I ran right into, at the most unexpected of times.

And now at this very moment, I can yell to the masses with the utmost confidence that….

I LOVE MY LIFE.

For me to be able to get to the place to say that is only by the hands of a redeeming, forgiving, loving God. I would not be anywhere near the place I am today if God hadn’t taking me up out of the pit, dusted me off, and brought me head first into a life of craziness, extraordinary opportunities and relationships, and living through days of light that I only dreamed of in my darkest of times.

I’ve always been the kind of person to point out all that is going wrong, all that I would like to change, all of the things that need patched up and tossed aside. I’m the melancholy musician that always wrote the songs after the breakup, only to walk around with a mentality of the glass half full and only my loneliness and frustration as my comfort.

Yet, now it is different. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like to be where one should be, to be doing what you created to do, to be able to live out all of the things that have burned so intensely in my heart for so many years. It’s as if all of the years of wandering and wondering have finally brought me to this place, the place of home where I thought I was going backwards, yet in all reality would discover the life I was meant to live. I am still restless, I still get lost at times, yet not as much as I once did. I still know I will face change and difficulty, yet my eyes and heart have been opened to so much more.

Now my task at hand is to organize and simplify through all of this craziness. Everyday is spent sorting through my schedule, over and over again, in hope of landing on something that doesn’t overlap all of the things I need to get done and to narrow down my to do list to something manageable. I feel like I want to do everything. Everything I am doing is something that I love, every aspect a different part of myself and my dreams.

An update (since I hardly ever blog because I hardly can sit down and write our all that is burning inside of me….) ……

I just gave my two weeks notice at the coffee shop I was working at. Due to many things and the fact that I finally got a job at the shop I wanted, I will be free from the coffeehouse I have spent many hours of frustration and even joy at. It has been a good run, yet I am so thankful that it is slowly coming to an end. The new place is far more of a good fit for me. I am overjoyed at the opportunity to work there.

I am playing shows again, with a new band and no idea where the future will lead me. I’m alright with that for now. My days of music filled excursions have lessoned since Portland, yet I still get a taste every once in a while of what once was. Not recording currently is killing me, yet I also have hardly had the time to pen the songs of my heart in these passing months. That season always comes and goes for me, I just have to be alright with the times when it is not the moment when I get to release the songs I’ve held onto for months and months.

I’m working at church again. I don’t think I’ve felt this alive in a long, long time. Even in the midst of chord charts, file folders, and far too much coffee, I am finding my feet again. I had been so derailed from the last season of my life, my heart had been so broken, and my soul so beaten. I find hope every time I go to work, every time I sit at my desk, every time I sit at the piano on Sunday. I am finally free. My life has become such a picture of redemption and hope. I am reminded of it every time I am there.

I just want to wake up everyday and create something.
To build something.
To endeavor upon all of the relationships that have been placed in my life.
To find the joy even in the maintenance of life.
To take time to breathe every once in a while.
I can’t do everything. I’m slowly realizing that and I am taking steps towards getting to the place I absolutely need to be.

I’m just loving life and seeking more focus in all of it
Yet, it still continues to become more and more beautiful with every second.

“For us to get focused, we need to make adjustments.”
-McManus.

Welcome to my current existence of craziness.

Until the Open Road Leads Me Home….

So don’t get down
Good things come when you stop waiting around
Good things come when you stop looking
Don’t get down
You’ve just got to stop looking
(Kathleen Edwards, Good Things)

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of waiting lately; of always being in some mode of preparation but time just inches by slowly as every moment passes. The possibility of only pacing through the days is always there, quickly whispering to my heart- it’s ok, it will always be like this, so relax, don’t dream, don’t live, just live with how it all is.

That is not me. The past 7 years of my life were not lived so that I could just become some lazy stump of a human being that works at a coffeehouse, hangs with the guys, and wakes up to the do the same thing all over again. I’m trying to intensely break myself of all cycles in my life, that is one of them. Being home, I have every opportunity to just float through life, doing all the things that people think or feel I should be doing and in turn shutting of so many of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

I am young. I have my entire life ahead of me, yet as of late I wake with this idea that this is it for me. This is far from it. This season is a launch pad of preparation, restoration, and intimacy with God. Once I realize that, pieces begin to fall into place and my current boring existence has a mission, a passion, a purpose. No matter how many minutes I take living frustrated about being here and not where I would truly want to be.

Good things come to those who stop waiting around.

I’m trying to be productive in my waiting. To do good even though time inches by me. Having faith in something doesn’t mean just sitting on our rear ends hoping that God brings opportunity into our lives.

Faith is doing. Living. Breathing. Discovering. Preparing. Restoring.

Every single day brings me closer to where my heart longs to be. Everyday I am broken more into the person I was called to become. Everyday I am frustrated with where I am at and long to change all of these things that rage inside of me. Everyday I miss friends in my life with such intensity that I don’t know at times how to make it to the next minute.

I’m learning.
I’m writing more songs than I have in a long time.
I’m finally reading all the books I have never had time to read.
I’m building the church, through one friendship at a time.
I’m saving every single penny I make for the next season in my life.
I’m getting rid of so many things that I don’t need in the waking realization that less truly is more.

When I finally realize what is in front of me and all around me, my heart wants to burst at the seams. But, this realization only comes at the point when I stop giving up and make an effort.

I’m finding…

You cannot grow alone. I seek community far more than I ever imagined possible. And I feel like I haven’t found it quite yet.

I am not yet the person I want someone to fall in love with.

Change is still the only thing that endures.

I still have a lot of breaking to do from the last season of my life so that I can live fully into the next.

God is the only constant in my life. It is Him I will hold on to.

I will get through this. Through every new song, every new cup of coffee, every friendship that has stood the test of time, every moment I spend in the presence of God.

Until the open road leads me home.

Maintenance

“The spectacular is found in faithful obedience and not neglecting the house of God.”

Pastor Darren

 

 

            I’ve been helping out at a bunch of different churches around town, networking with other musicians and leaders, filling in the cracks where need be and experiencing many different church circles in the past few weeks. It’s been refreshing and tiring all at the same time. Every place a little different than the next, every group of people so similar yet so different. I’ve walked away from each service with more of a grasp upon what it means to be a local church, yet also a universal body. All of the years of having this beat into our heads and hearts at Bible College are now coming into full circle. I’ve also realized how much I’ve retained from the past four years of schooling, at the most random of times, in the most unexpected of situations.

 

            This quote though, at the top of the page, has stuck with me since Sunday. I tend to, unfortunately, chase after the spectacular experience of the moves and house of God. I think it is due to the fact that I’ve been in a lot of church situations, growing up in them all of my life, I’ve seen the things, heard the words, sung the songs. In my own humanity, when I’m focusing upon my own humanistic needs, then these things can become mediocre and lifeless. My generation seeks the experience, the flashing lights and the soaring emotions of a spoon-fed Christianity.  Our attention spans are shrinking by the minute and the church today seems to only feed our childish tendencies, becoming more flashy and consumer-oriented. We go in, get infused with all of the ‘right’ words, the ‘right’ songs, the ‘right’ service order, then we live; back into our lives that reflect far more of the world than they should.

 

 

I don’t like where that’s going.

 

The church I was at Sunday was as far away from the experience mentality as it could get and I loved it.  The attitude of- we’re here to love God and love people saturated every aspect of the service. No flashy lights, no over-stimulated preaching, no performance. Just a group of people, coming together despite our differences and mistakes, and worshipping God and loving each other. It was beautiful.

 

            The pastor made points that hit me like a ton of bricks. He spoke of the fact that our relationship with God is all about the aspect of maintenance, of faithful obedience to building and pouring into the house of God. That we shouldn’t underestimate the value of the long hauls of life. That there is a massive difference between faith and fame.

 

Welcome to my season; one of maintenance and faithfulness. I’ve been realizing all of things I possess that I don’t need. I’ve been haunted by all of the times I chased after the creation instead of the creator, when I put fame before the long haul of faith.

 

Maintenance is keeping the promises.

Maintenance is faith in action in the everyday.

Life is living out the daily grind of life and being faithful even in the mediocre.

 

The one question Pastor Darren left us with was this….

 

IS IT WORTH THE MAINTENANCE?

 

 

 

Yes.

 

That resounding yes is why I endure in my current situation. Why the next four months are ones of great breaking, preparation, and the getting rid of all the things that drag me down far too often. I want it to be worth it. I want to be faithful in the maintenance and not neglect the house of God.

 

Even if my maintenance is found in working at a coffeehouse, taking a few photo, helping with some worship sets, and learning what it is to rest.

 

No flashy lights, no massive experiences, just a long haul of faith that builds the foundation of my life with God and others.

 

 

The spectacular is found in the maintenance.

 

And it is worth it. 

 

Can’t Go Back Now…

This is really how home feels to me. This songs puts into words all of emotion I felt before I moved back to the beginning. Now I’m left without all the answers and a longing to go back to the one place I now call home. 

Home, for me, shall never be the same. 

 

( I apologize for the lame video. Just listen to the song.) 

 

 

Can’t Go Back Now: The Weepies

Yesterday, when you were young, 
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you’re all alone, 
What can you do? 

You and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.

You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step, 
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be, 
If you ever turn around, you’ll see me.

I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can’t go back now

But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. 

Wait

It’s pouring tonight. I’m sitting out on my back porch listening to the rhythm of each raindrop, drinking my beloved earl grey tea, and attempting to quiet my heart long enough for me to get some grasp upon all of the unknowns in my life. This weather makes me miss the northwest even more. I have become so restless in these passing weeks, yet still feel as if everything is moving in slow motion. The lack of control is killing me, but that’s where the aspect of faith always needs to come in. I need to learn how to listen better and more often. To find the times when it’s just God and me. More often then not I allow my time with Him to become so small and rest upon the back burner while I awake so frustrated; attempting to only get to the next day. This is no way to live. No matter how much I would like to be somewhere else, I am here. In this place of Loveland, CO. Without even a clue as to where to go or what to do.

 

The unknown is the only thing that seems to be constant in my life.

 

I have no idea where I will end up even tomorrow at this point, but I’m slowly becoming alright with that. It’s difficult,  for my heart is not where I thought it was. Every expectation, hope, and desire I once had for my surroundings have slowly become only empty wants, ones that I don’t see myself living out as I once supposed.

 

I really don’t think home will ever really be home again for me. I realize that many people probably are facing exactly what I’m facing, longing for something that they expected to be right in front of them, yet knowing that it is still very far away. We all seem to be in some sort of transition, some more than others. But in the midst of change, you realize what you are really made to do, who you are really meant to be, and the people you want to create with and love.

 

The ideology of home has moved from being where I once began to the place where I have grown so much. Granted, I experienced some of the most difficult times of my entire life in the last few years. I was stuck in the middle of a band who’s dreams fell at their feet so quickly, leaving us only to patch up the pieces and never relive the music that we once created. I felt more alone then I ever had experienced. I lost everything I ever thought I had for a person that never deserved to take it from me in the first place.

 

But, if there’s one thing I have learned….

With much pain, comes much joy.

 

I have lived. I have been a part of a community of people who are their for each other, to create with each other the sounds that have been engraved upon our very souls, to spend late nights talking about our hopes and our dreams, to take the trips to the ocean and realize how small we really are in the grand scheme of things, to live and breathe music, coffee, and art.

 

I am trying not to dwell in the past, with all of its ups and downs, twists and turns, triumphs and trials. Yet, it becomes difficult when I can’t see what is right in front of me.

 

Only time will tell. I will listen until I hear that still small voice, calling me out once again. How I long for that whisper to grace my ears once again. And then I will move. I will soar. I will run.

 

But as of now….

I wait.

For that Whisper.

 Yet, so much of me is ready to take the risk, to take the next leap. I can only live into the waiting. For if I wait with no determination, I shall get no where. 

 

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It’s all about timing.” -Stacey Charter

What I Know..

Goodness. The intensity of my last entry is nothing short of a bit disturbing. My emotional tendencies greatly expressed themselves in each sentence and I came off as being entirely lost and discontent; dissatisfied and disillusioned within my current situation.

 

Much of that is true. Yet I know that I also possess a great deal of hope.

 

Not in myself, but in Christ.

 

I must change my perspective, for it has become so jaded in these past two weeks. With everything about my life up in the air, my heart has become calloused with discontent and an awareness of not knowing where my feet should rest. I must be alright without possessing that knowledge for the time being.

 

A friend stated……

 

“It always sounds honorable or noble to say, “I won’t be satisfied if I don’t reach my full potential”. In reality that usually leads to people who are simply never satisfied, not because they fail to reach their potential but because they can’t function without something better to look forward to at all times. Dissatisfaction is fashionable but it is not fruit of the Spirit.”

 

I rest here far too often. Always looking ahead and even behind, dreaming constantly of what could be or what once was. This, in turn, gets me nowhere in the long run, just running circles around my past and future and never grasping my present.

 

What I do know…..

 

I am in this season for a reason. No matter how much I would like to be back in the beautiful northwest, I am here for a purpose, one of passion for God’s people and the restoration of my entire soul and all that comes with it. I am not the person I once was in Loveland; I believe I will not be the same person when God calls me to the next place in my life.

 

I know deep down inside that I will not be in Loveland forever, for that I am very grateful, yet I also realize the importance of the condition of my heart and the use of my time while I am back in my hometown; whatever each day holds. 

 

I have every intention of returning to the northwest at some point. How? I have no idea. When? My heart cannot know the answer as of now. For what? I have ideas, yet God hasn’t solidly planted that knowledge in my soul quite yet. My heart rests in that place; I believe a part of me will always be there or drawn to there. But as of now, I am here. In a town that doesn’t have all of culture of Portland or the coffee or the rain, or the music, or the musicians, but I will survive, I will be more than ok, I will embrace this season with open arms; for if I don’t, I will surely fail and live forever discontent.

 

I’m going to go back to school.

 

I’m getting involved in the Body of Christ and giving it my all. No matter of the position or intensity of the involvement. I have the ability, now I must be willing.

 

I’m slowly going to get myself into this music scene and listen for guidance as to how I am supposed to dwell in this area.

 

I am going to get my quite time with my King. That is the only thing that will keep me sane. Without it, I will possess no peace and remain entirely miserable.

 

 

I am going to miss every one in the Northwest still with so much intensity, yet I will endure in my current season until I am released to go once again. I love you all so much and have been so blessed to live life with you.

 

I know that I am not finished there. Those friendships are meant to endure. That I will dwell once again there.

 

Yet, not now.

 

I know that I am also not finished here. I was not taken 1200 miles back to the beginning for nothing, only to rot and live unsatisfied.

 

And I will become ok with that.

 

So, Portland, until we meet again……

 

 

 

Patience

I think there comes a point in everyone’s life in which one needs to go back to the very beginning. Back to the beginning, before all of the hurt, the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache; if only to reevaluate the condition of our aching hearts for a cause and life destiny that is so much bigger than our minds could ever comprehend.

At the beginning, all goals and accomplishments are left at the door.
At the beginning, all you have is who you are and the saving grace that has allowed you to live and become that person thus far.
At the beginning, you have nothing to fall back on except for the sovereignty of a Savior.
At the beginning, you find the birthplace of the life you have lived for all of these years.

I am at the very beginning.

Square one.
Without any clue as to where to step next,
Nor whether or not I need to keep looking back as often as I do.

The past is strange thing. It is within the past that all of our current presents are birthed, and it is within the past that the very places and lessons we at times need to forget dwell in the shadows, lurking in the places we thought we abandoned so long ago. It is the starting point for everything, yet also the ending point of the coming fruition of all hurt and pain in order for us to even get into the present and hope for what is to come.

I am home. I’m back to the very soil in which so much of who I am was birthed and molded. I’m back to face all of the moments I brushed aside and all of the whispers of my calling that I somehow walked away from for a season in my life. Being back at the beginning brings about an emotional rollercoaster that I ride day in and day out, all the while trying to figure what I am supposed to do and who I am supposed to become.

I feel like I am so far from knowing who I am.
Or what I need to be doing.
It is as if I am living a newfound chaos, yet at the same time every moment is at a stand still. All the anticipation of my arrival has now come to a strict halt, in which I am bound by my decisions and know that as every minute passes by I am further away from my past, wandering around aimlessly in my present, and praying that I will somehow be able to have enough vision to live into the future.

What do I want? What do I even need at this point?

I need my King. Everyday, every minute.
I desire community.
I desire to possess the insatiable need to create. To live. To dream. To die to my past and to live with faith into my future.

I have no idea where to begin.
The process is as daunting as the hoped-for outcome.

Truthfully.
I am unsettled. I am restless. Yet I am at a stand still in life.
Without any direction as to where to go next.

All that I can hear is….

Wait.

All I know to seek after is….

Patience.

And all that I face is…..

Unknown.

“All things consist of carrying to term and then giving birth. To allow the completion of every impression, every germ of a feeling deep within, in darkness, beyond words, in the realm of instinct unattainable by logic, to await humbly and patiently the hour of the descent of a new clarity: that alone is to live one’s art, in the realm of understanding as in that of creativity.

In this there is no measuring with time. A year doesn’t matter; ten years are nothing. To be an artist means not to compute or count; it means to ripen as the tree, which does not force its sap, but stands unshaken in the storms of spring with no fear that summer might not follow. It will come regardless. But is comes only to those who live as though eternity stretches before them, carefree, silent, and endless. I learn it daily, learn it with many pains, for which I am grateful; Patience is all!”

Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

10 days……

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.

~Robert Southey