The Face of San Fran

 

Discouragement

I feel a tinge of discouragement running through my veins. A torture-filled symphony filling the caverns of my soul that were once overflowing, yet now are found empty and echo-filled, lifeless, numb. I feel drained of the creative breath that I so long for. It is as if time has stopped. Or at least the time in which my dreams have dwelt in the past. My realities are swiftly passing by, with every blink; yet remain crippled through every mundane moment that shoots past my weary eyes. They have become some blurry, my vision so unclear. I now possess the innate ability to flee from every aspect of focusing only to dwell in the craziness of my procrastination and laziness.

This must be defeated. This battle must be fought and must be won. Victory is the only option or this creative life shall surely die away into nothingness. I’m sick and tired of the lists, of the worthless to-do’s that never gully get done. I have no excuse. There is enough time within my day. I waste so much time due to my own sheer laziness or dwelling in the other extreme of keeping myself busy enough that my soul becomes satisfied with auto-pilot. Numbness ensues. I know that I am the only one that stops me. What else do I know? Two things. That I was made to love and that I was made to create. Music. People. Art. I must not give up within this journey. Even if day in and day out, I must force myself out of bed and to my work desk, to speak to people of all things dental and finance, if only to carry the hope within me that the creative lies on the other side of the work day. Creativity. Creative freedom. Every moment within that realm counts far more than I often realize. Every detail and minute bears the weight of all the moments that will fall after it.

It must not be about “making it” or “getting my stuff out there.” That should never be my intended goal. But, will I be able to look back someday upon my life and marvel at all of the people I met along the way, all of the moments that were captured in every photograph, and all of the songs that we etched into the sound waves over the years? My goals are not easy. They are not simple. I know very well that I will not awake tomorrow and have it all figured out and set in the course I would desire. I must start small. If I don’t, I know that I will hardly even begin. I mustn’t get discouraged. This path is not for the faint of heart. And it is what I have chosen.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One detail at a time.

Quitting is never an option.

Empty Vessels

            Sometimes it’s the most difficult things in life that get us to the point of being so broken, to the point in which we have to be picked up and put back together again. It is at this turning point, when all that we are and all that we have done, whether good or bad, sits in a pile in front of our existence and cries out for the hands of God to put it all back together again, according to his heart and according to his plan. His hands are the only solution to our problem, they are the only glue that is meant to hold together our existence, and his heart and his songs are to be the things that are sung in each one of our hearts. And many of us trail off so far from being this moldable and our hearts become calloused, hardened, and cold.

 

My heart has been there, I never want to return back to that point.

 

I was brought to a point in my life, with all of me lying in shambles on the floor, for me to realize the power, love, and grace of the God that I serve; and how severely undeserving I was of all of it, and still am.

 

My days look different now. Even when all of my surroundings constantly are trying to drag me back down to where I was and I am still faced with the destructive relationships that created my downfall, I have faith. God is far bigger than my trials. God is far bigger than the people that have tried to bring me down with them. God is far bigger than past relationships, screw-ups, desires, wants, and withdrawals. God is far bigger than cell phone bills and busted out taillights.

 

“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” –Jesus Christ

 

 

William Shakespeare said: “An empty vessel makes the loudest sound.”

 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, about the emptying out of oneself in order to be filled once again with a life that is made to make a difference. One of my professors a couple weeks ago in class stated that, “An empty vessel is one of the best, due to the fact that it allows God to fill it.” What good is a vessel that is so full of so many things? Nothing else can be added to it.

 

I believe that my entire life has been emptied out over the last few months. I have been left very empty, but it is all for a purpose, much of which is still unknown to me. But, God desires to fill it, with the things that are actually going to make a difference in this world, with the desires that are birthed in my quite time with Him, with the relationships and friendships that will build the kingdom. I wake in a continuous realization of how carnal my intentions can become ad how often I need surrender everything to God, that all of the last season of my life is for a purpose. I have been left forever changed for a reason and gone through so many things for a reason. I have been emptied out for a purpose. I have been called to be a part of building another world.

 

An empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

 And I desire to never live silent.

 

 

 

Letting Go

Last night, I had the opportunity to play drums for a church service at a church in Kelso. I love being able to play drums, due to the fact that i hardly ever get to and I just get to completely let go and just play, without having to worry about the song order or singing or anything. I just get to play. To shut out the rest of my day and worship. It was very much needed. I don’t get to hide back in the shadows very often. 

This coming week, I’m going to be helping out with a lot of services. I’m looking forward to it. 

My time is quickly closing in on me. The second I think of how many days I have left in the northwest I can hardly breathe. It’s all passing so quickly, so much of me is ready for the change and so much of me isn’t ready to leave everyone here. It’s also difficult when everyone I’m around keeps attempting to get me to stay, to convince me out of my decision to move home. I KNOW I need to. I know what God is placing on my heart, and I can’t silence them. It’s still difficult. When so many people just can’t understand what God is doing in me. 

 

41 days. 

Surrender Your Expectations

My heart is everywhere. Sometimes the beginning of the struggle is just getting out of bed and starting the day. 

Tony posed these questions a couple weeks ago at Oasis, and I can’t shake them. 

What expectations are you clinging to? 

What future have you determined for yourself? 

What will your outlook be if all of those expectations fall apart? 

I’m attempting to surrender my expectations. 

And crying out for perspective upon the coming months of my life. 

My Day…

was rough. 

 

 

 

 

 

You will encounter people during your lifes journey whom can walk away from you. When a person is capable of walking away from you, you must allow them to walk. Don’t try to talk another person into calling you, coming to see you, staying attached to you, caring about you or loving you. Your destiny and your lifes story is never tied to someone who put enough effort into their actions to be able to walk away, even once. The emotional disinterest and energy a person employs to be capable of physically separating themselves from you is significant.”





”A person is only capable of leaving you because he/she is not connected to you in a deep, meaningful, spiritual way. The person is not joined to you – and if they are not joined on the inside to you, there is nothing you can apply or employ on the outside to make them ’stick.’ Recognize that this relationship was only a cycle and is now completed, and don’t continue trying to raise the dead. Allow them to go, and gently close the door behind them. “

‘ Jesus said, “Do not throw your pearls to pigs,” (Matt. 7:6) By this we don’t think he was calling some people pigs. He was saying, “Look-be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who, at best, cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst, will trample on it’

-stasi elderidge (Captivating)

Drive

 

            I can’t sleep. I’ve tried, yet the hours of tonight just won’t allow my heart to rest, as it should. I can’t keep myself from thinking of my last day here, the day that will soon come, so much quicker than I realize at times. Yet, at other times, the realization of my fleeting time, rushes at me at full speed and I hardly have enough time to catch my breath as another day quickly blurs into the next. Time has become just a thing that comes and goes, all too quickly.

            I dwell upon that day. When all my lose ends have been tied. I will have bawled my eyes out the day before with all of my goodbyes, to the people that have made such a distinct impact upon my life in the last three years. All of the music, the moments of leaving our tracks in the sound. All of the hours of adventure in the city, upon the shores of the ocean, and even just at our own back porches late into the night. All of the kisses to all of the heartbreak. All of the endeavors to all of the moments I wished I would have never endured upon. 3 years. 2 heartbreaks later. A college degree. A couple more guitars. A newly pressed record that I actually like. And the unknown at my fingertips.

            Throughout my journey of living in Washington, I have grown up. I think I’ve been in love once, actually really, truly in love. Or what I believe is close to that. I’ve also said those three words to someone that never deserved to hear them in the first place.  I’ve also been infatuated and retarded. I’ve come to realize how I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve come to know earth shattering heartbreak-the kind where the entire rest of your future seems altered in one moment of realization, the minute when you realize that a summer has finally come to an end and you holding on will only hurt more in the long run. I’ve known what it is to have all of my hopes and dreams one day, then wake up 8 months later to have all of it slip through my fingertips- solely based upon my own stupidity. I have known the noise of the city to the sound of the strength of the ocean; the smell of the rain, the warmth of the Oregon sun.  I’ve known what it is to feel truly alive, to wake up with the whole world at your fingertips, the most amazing friends in the world, and not enough nights spent watching the sunset. I have gained so much experience and lost just about everything I thought I possessed in the first place. I have been humbled. I have been broken. I have been lost, then I have been found. I have become more of the woman that I have been made to be.

 

I have lived.  I have lost.

 

I will never been the same.

 

            This day will begin with all of my belongings and memories packed into the moving truck, rising early to beat the sun, locking my door, and slowly backing out of my gravel driveway for the last time while Ryan Adams plays on the Ipod. I’ll drive down Ocean Beach Highway, get gas at the Chevron on the corner that I have seen all too much in the past few years, and then arrive at the Starbucks parking lot. My heart will be flooded with so many memories held at this coffeehouse as I walk slowly through the doors. I’ll order my usual and make small talk with the baristas that have all come to know my name and feed my caffeine addiction a couple times a day. And then I will leave, like any other day. But this time I will get in my neon and not return like usual. I will drive. And drive and drive and drive. Out into the abyss of my life that is still so unknown, into an existence I haven’t quite yet grasped, and away from the past few years of my life.

 

Tonight, this day terrifies me.

But, I will drive, and drive, and drive…..